Day 39: I Have a Run in with an Old Woman

(I am driving in a parking garage, singing out loud to myself, which is a habit that has gotten stronger since I have moved to LA. I turn a corner and a car comes speeding around. We both slam on our brakes)

Me: What the...

(I get annoyed, but then realize that the other car is being driven by an old woman. Like, crazy old. Like, Grandma Death in Donnie Darko old. She looks frazzles and a little frightened)

(I soften and roll down my window)

Me: Hey, sorry, are you okay?

(She rolls down her window)

Crazy-Old Lady: You f***er!

(She hits the gas and zooms away)

#thatsLA

Grandma Death

Day 36: Pro Tips from an Amateur Californian

Before moving here, every person I spoke with had a fervent opinion about Los Angeles, regardless of whether or not they had ever been here. My friends and family cleanly divide into two polar extremes. We can call my optimistic peers the "pro-Jesse-in-California" group. And the other group, the one that hates this state and this city, well we can just call them "Jesse's Family." My mother, for example, calls it the "Left Coast" (a term that I am 100% sure was coined by Rush Limbaugh despite having never checked on that fact), and yet, she has not stepped foot in this state for over 30 years. My Aunt Alicia, who is the sweetest, most aunt-ly aunt in Georgia, said she had some advice for me before my move. She grabbed me by my shoulders - well... my elbows, because I'm a giant - and she said, "If you become a liberal, I'll kill you." Is that advice?

So, as I prepare to return home for Christmas next week to face my naysayers, I thought I would share some insider tips about California, all learned from my experiences these first five weeks:

• People here are not as liberal as you think they are. I've had the chance to be on some LA television sets, and I can tell you that people, especially film people, aren't so green and left-y. There could a beautiful, millenia-old redwood that houses a squirrel mother and dozens of her premature babies, but if that tree was somehow in the way of a shot, that crap would be cut down in a heartbeat. 
• Driving in California is just as bad as you think it is, and it has nothing to do with traffic. It has to do with the fact that MY REGISTRATION WAS LIKE 300 DOLLARS AND EVERYONE'S ANGRY ABOUT IT. 
• If you've never felt an earthquake, you will think everything is an earthquake. I was in a trailer and felt a little shudder, and I immediately yelled, "Oh God, it's an earthquake!" My boss replied, "that was a Mexican's subwoofer, jackass." 
• If you tell people you went to Penn State, their immediate response will not be about the Sandusky scandal. Finally... People far enough away to not immediately make that association! I had an interview where I experienced this first hand. He looked at my resume, and his first question was: "Penn State... Is that the smart 'Penn' or the dumb one?" Bam! The dumb one. Next question. 
• When you meet a Fox Television executive, don't greet her with a high five. In my defense, "Tracy" is not a proper name for an exec. 

Merry Christmas, or if you're not a Christmas person... Happy holidays!

See. I'm a left-coaster already.

Day 23: I Apply to be on Wipeout

Hey, hey, hey. Don't judge. Wipeout is the misunderstood Naked Lunch of our generation.

In case you don't know, Wipeout is a game show where people agree to embarrass themselves traversing an impossibly difficult obstacle course designed specifically to make said people look like morons.

See? Isn't that better.

Also they constantly refer to giant balls. Like these:

That'll be me soon!

Anyway, the questions on the application were a little personal, so I thought I'd share my responses. 

WHAT IS THE MOST DARING AND DANGEROUS THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE? DESCRIBE THE CIRCUMSTANCES:

• I once accidentally locked myself out of a cabin in the woods while I was there by myself. I had to climb up the side of the house to the third story window to get in. I made it.

WHAT ARE YOUR SHORT TERM GOALS BESIDES WIPEOUT? PLEASE LIST:

• To buy a TV so I can watch Wipeout.

WHAT SPORTS ORGANIZATIONS HAVE YOU BEEN A MEMBER OF? (I.E. HIGH SCHOOL; COLLEGE; MINORS; PROFESSIONAL; ETC.) PLEASE LIST ALL THAT APPLY AND THE LEVELS PLAYED:

• I played Football as a child, but that ended at age 11. Does drama club count?

WHAT WERE YOU VOTED MOST LIKELY TO... IN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK?

• To become an actor. But the were, uh. They were wrong.

GIVE AN EXAMPLE OF WHEN YOU HAVE RISEN TO A CHALLENGE IN COMPETITION.

• In middle school, we were playing a huge dodgeball tournament, and I was the only person left on my team. We had a rule that if you could sink your ball in the other basket, your whole team could come back in. I nailed it, and we won. Unfortunately, though, I had already been tagged out, so I cheated to win. But no one noticed, and you're the first person I've ever told. 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL OR STRANGE TALENTS?

• I've been told that I have menacing eyes.

WHAT FAMOUS PERSON DO PEOPLE SAY YOU RESEMBLE?

• Ashton Kutcher, but I don't get it.

IF YOU COULD BE ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD, REAL OR FICTION, WHO WOULD YOU BE AND WHY?

• Ashton Kutcher, so that I'd get it.

I've got this, right? 

Oh, I forgot to mention. I signed my brother Mark and me up for the Family edition of Wipeout, so this application was for the both of us. But I have a feeling he doesn't read my blog and just pretends that he reads it and says things like "nice blog, bro, it's hilarious" when he's never even read it. 

Let's see what happens. 

Day 21: Adventures with My Smoke Detector

This is my smoke detector.

We all have had problems with our smoke detectors. Who among us hasn't dismantled a smoke detector? We each have our reasons. And whether it be from the beeping low-battery reminder or the smoke from your crack pipe hookah, the truth is that more than 50% of the smoke detectors in this country are currently disabled. I recently came home from my daily jaunt around North Hollywood to the sound of my fire alarm blaring. This has happened to all of us.

I tried the obligatory "wave the fumes" gesture.
I tried spanking it.
I tried taking a shower - just to get over the fact that I associated hitting the smoke alarm with "spanking" it.
Nothing worked. So I decided to take the battery out.

Then this happened.

Awesome. I cradled it back into its hole in the wall.

So I called up my landlady Bonnie to let her know.
She said, "Oh I'm so sorry to hear that. Let me come fix it."
And I said, "Thank you so much Bonnie."
And she said, "No problem. Be right over."
And I said, "Thank you!"
And she came right over. And she said, "Oh, don't you know there is a button right on top to get it to stop?
And I said, "Whaaaa?"
And she said, "See, right here."
And she pushed it. And she fixed it!

Except she didn't. Because none of that happened. Because Bonnie won't give out her phone number.  Because she prefers to communicate via index cards in her mail slot. Because old tenants have "harassed" her.

I find my day-to-day anxieties are calmed knowing that, in case of an actual emergency, Bonnie will come to my aid at the speed of an index card.

But no worries. I found a solution.

I just don't have a towel anymore.

Day 16: A Thanksgiving E-mail

I don't typically consider myself a lonely person, but I will be spending my first Thanksgiving away from family today. As I have just moved to LA, it just wasn't in the budget to go home this year. But the good news is that I received a very promising e-mail for a new potential mate! Not sure who she is, but it sounds like she's really into me. Maybe you can help me decipher it. Here is it: 

Hi, sweetheart! How are u? What's up?
My name is Kirstin.
So, I really do not know from what to start. Maybe from it..
One of my girlfriends showed me ur pics and I felt in love them so much!
I search for interesting, sedate male for for a very long time but there're tons of assholes who are just seducing me to fuck and then leaving me alone.
I am sure u are one of them!
So, if u r a good pal then I wait for your mail.

Oh goodness, what should I say back? 
I'd love to ask about which of my good female friends shared my pics with her. I need to give those females a pat on the back. 
But I need clarity on a few things... 
It seems like she is looking for "sedate" males, but I am currently on no medication. Would this be a deal breaker? 
Also, she seems to look down upon guys who want to have relations with her and leave, yet then she says "I am sure u are one of them." What morals am I adhering to here? I will gladly oblige.  
Also, I don't have her mail address so I suppose she'll be waiting a long time for my "mail."

Maybe I am more lonely than I thought. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Day 14: How to Avoid Getting Mugged in the Big City

People are often surprised to hear that as a tall, bearded, somewhat intimidatingly-looking guy, I am just afraid as everyone else of getting mugged in a city. But I am. Not afraid to admit it. Maybe because my height and my one ab cannot stop, oh I don’t know, a bullet or a pointy knife. But when I walk around cities alone, since my days of Freshman year jaunts through sketchy streets to get to my Philly Improv Theatre classes, I’ve adopted a certain behavior as a means of self-preservation, almost certainly guaranteeing that no one will mess with me. This is my protocol, and I suggest you should follow it as well:

• Wear a flamboyantly colored hoodie with the hood up. Nothing is more terrifying than a 6'5" man, or anyone for that matter, in a pink pull over hoodie with the hood up. All a person can think is, oh my God, I can’t see his eyes behind that ridiculous monstrosity of a clothing garment.
• Put your earbuds in under the hoodie (so no one can see you’re listening to music), and sing, at full volume, whatever song it is you’re listening to.
• Don’t really sing as much as monotonously troll off the lyrics of the song at a sub-bass register, except when the song has a high note, at which times attempt to hit that note with falsetto. Full volume, people.
• Bands that this is particularly menacing for are Arcade Fire, Modest Mouse, and Coldplay. (Imagine a person in a pink hoodie saying out loud to herself “I want to fix you” as monotonously as possible. Who is going to mug that woman? She could have a baby bear in that hoodie, how would you know?)
• Every once in a while, as you’re walking, do a twirl.

Obviously, the only way to ensure safety against insane people is to prove that you are more insane, which scares the crap out of them. I have never been mugged people, so obviously these measures are justified. This message is brought to you by my lonely walk home from drinks with my friend Mark, and day 14 of funemployment, otherwise know as LA: Day 14.

Day 7: A Sad Observation

"Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" by Bob Dylan makes me cry. This has happened several times since leaving Atlanta.