Day 6: I Meet My Landlady

(Into my apartment walks my landlady Bonnie, a short woman scantly 70 pounds, who - among other details - doesn't own a car in Los Angeles)

Bonnie: Oh Jesse, such a pleasure to meet you. 
Me: Nice to meet you as well. 
Bonnie: I called you several times to check in, but you never picked up. 
Me: Oh... yes, I got your messages, but the number was "restricted." And you didn't leave a number.
Bonnie: I don't give out my number.
Me: Oh.
Bonnie: I've had some problems in the past.
Me: Problems?
Bonnie: Just harassment. If you want to contact me, just slip an index card into my mail slot. With a note on it, obviously.
Me: Oh, of course.
Bonnie: Now you have to push it into the slot hard, because there is a covering on the inside part of it. I've had some problems in the past...

(She looks very... I don't know. But she's trembling)

Me: ...Problems?
Bonnie: I had a peeping Tom.
Me: What? In this neighborhood?!
Bonnie: Oh, not a peeping Tom, but residents who would look in my mail slot to see if I was home, and they'd yell "I know you're in there! Come out and answer my questions!"

(Now, she's laughing)

Me: Oh. Kay.
Bonnie: Now, the keys.
Me: Yes.
Bonnie: There are three keys. This one goes to the front door.

(I check. It does)

Bonnie: This one goes to the back door.

(I check. It does)

Bonnie: And this one goes to the dead bolt.

(I check. It doesn't)

Me: Oh, this one doesn't seem to be working.
Bonnie: It goes to the dead bolt.

(I check. It doesn't)

Me: It's not working.
Bonnie: Oh. Well I'm going to write down that you have three keys.
Me: But this one doesn't work.
Bonnie: But I gave you three keys. So I'm going to write that down here...

(She writes on my lease)

Me: But... What do I do with this key-?
Bonnie: Oh, see I wrote it down here. Three keys. See?

(I check. She did)

Me: But I don't want this key.
Bonnie: But I gave it to you. So. Three keys.
Me: ...
Bonnie: Now let's check the kitchen.

(We go to the kitchen)

Bonnie: Now, it's a little messy...

(It is fairly messy)

Bonnie: But it was clean when your roommate moved in 6 months ago. So, on the lease I'm going to write, "Kitchen, clean."
Me: Uh...
Bonnie: Is there a problem?
Me: You just said it was "messy."
Bonnie: But it was clean when Rebekah moved in.

(Rebekah = my roommate)

Me: 6 months ago.
Bonnie: So I'm going to write down, "Kitchen, clean."
Me: But it's not. It's messy.
Bonnie: So what would you prefer I write?
Me: "Kitchen, messy."
Bonnie: Oh...

(She writes)

Bonnie: I'm going to write down "Kitchen, clean, per Rebekah."
Me: Fine.
Bonnie: Now, we can sign the lease tomorrow, when Rebekah is here.
Me: Fine.

(She leaves. She closes the door daintily. She opens the door daintily. She enters)

Bonnie: Oh, I've also noticed you tend to slam your doors. Could you be careful about that?

(She leaves. She closes the door. Daintily)